It's quite hard sometimes to be on a one track mind like her. It feels like she pushes me away and all I got is to be left high and dry. She is not that loving, I mean I feel like all she has been doing is structured. She does because she has to, not she does because she likes it. If it is how it works, I m going to be on her rhythm then . All is about her standards, and how she sees things from her own perspectives without considering what one might feel. One might feel what she believes in is not for her/him but she insists on.
You cannot trust any ARIES people to be your friends or close ones. You would get torn apart quickly. How hard you please or behave, they wouldn't easily get impressed. They always think that they are correct, flawless, and the kindest ones. I have had that one Aries man in my life, that's my late dad and it's just soul-eating days when he was still around. On some fine days he was so kind, wise and a dad all girls could ask for, but on his worst parts of life he turned to be a monster with a very darkest heart that you might not want to have a peek. So dark that it could kill you just by hearing his voice or reading his SMS.
ARIES people are kind of tribes you would not want to be in touch unless they were your last resort. I am not giving up yet but now I learn not to get very attached to her because what she said couple weeks ago is not in line with what she just uttered few minutes ago.
In life we need consistency, you ARIES kinds cannot drag people in your life and say you'd be their friends in their worst and shiny days and then on the other day you just act like one who just hit his/her head on the floor. You forgot what you said. You are so quiet and I forget you are suffering too. You are your own galaxy that people are scared you might get lost in there. You get annoyed by some questions that are intimidating your intelligence. You are just a thing that ocean itself cannot say how deep you are. And remember some people might get tired of reading you, and they leave.
Rabu, 17 Mei 2017
Rabu, 10 Mei 2017
half of my weights lifted up
May 10,
She called me today, and told me all the things he has spoken that my mum is not 100% to be blamed because my dad took part of her change and all the things that I mostly hate about her. I was shocked yet sad, because I have hated her for what she's been doing. I felt like half of my hate and burden dissolving. It's such a soothing layer covering my cold heart. I was weeping because I know we're all getting there. I felt foreign with this feeling but it would take time to process all this new perspective. This healing time is quite crucial, too premature to celebrate or boast.
We are all broken. We just cannot heal one another. We do not know how to heal ourselves while we are trying to heal others. We got hurt so much. We keep the broken pieces for the rest of life, one is gone too soon and he had kept it all the broken pieces and died with them.
I m hurt, and all I could do is to shut my self down. I lived in my own world, created one that I thought it was the safest place ever. It was indeed but not for a long term. Breathless, empty, shallow and blurry. I gave up. How many people I have been casting off, that they hoped to touch my life and offered a little help. I was a castaway. Now I wanna be set free. I got to find a big help, This hurts whoever sees me trying to break free, then collide, and fade away. I did not realise that it does hurt her so much.
She's hurt, trying to find a shelter by getting someone to comfort her but she failed.
He's hurt, and he kept hurting others to find some comfort but it didn't soothe his soul. Couldn't find any shelter, he'd keep torturing himself and others. He died, broken-hearted because no one understood what he wanted.
Too many people got hurt, we cannot say a thing. Our soul is screaming for help. We were trying to find our way back home but it didn't work, It's too dark!
We've beaten up our selves too long, we punished each other by punishing our selves, we wanted to have a break and recover but we couldn't.
To set free is to let go, to accept, to keep telling my self that this is the thing that I should have done since 20 years ago. This wound needs healing by letting go, having a new life, stopping holding a grudge against people that have hurt.
She called me today, and told me all the things he has spoken that my mum is not 100% to be blamed because my dad took part of her change and all the things that I mostly hate about her. I was shocked yet sad, because I have hated her for what she's been doing. I felt like half of my hate and burden dissolving. It's such a soothing layer covering my cold heart. I was weeping because I know we're all getting there. I felt foreign with this feeling but it would take time to process all this new perspective. This healing time is quite crucial, too premature to celebrate or boast.
We are all broken. We just cannot heal one another. We do not know how to heal ourselves while we are trying to heal others. We got hurt so much. We keep the broken pieces for the rest of life, one is gone too soon and he had kept it all the broken pieces and died with them.
I m hurt, and all I could do is to shut my self down. I lived in my own world, created one that I thought it was the safest place ever. It was indeed but not for a long term. Breathless, empty, shallow and blurry. I gave up. How many people I have been casting off, that they hoped to touch my life and offered a little help. I was a castaway. Now I wanna be set free. I got to find a big help, This hurts whoever sees me trying to break free, then collide, and fade away. I did not realise that it does hurt her so much.
She's hurt, trying to find a shelter by getting someone to comfort her but she failed.
He's hurt, and he kept hurting others to find some comfort but it didn't soothe his soul. Couldn't find any shelter, he'd keep torturing himself and others. He died, broken-hearted because no one understood what he wanted.
Too many people got hurt, we cannot say a thing. Our soul is screaming for help. We were trying to find our way back home but it didn't work, It's too dark!
We've beaten up our selves too long, we punished each other by punishing our selves, we wanted to have a break and recover but we couldn't.
To set free is to let go, to accept, to keep telling my self that this is the thing that I should have done since 20 years ago. This wound needs healing by letting go, having a new life, stopping holding a grudge against people that have hurt.
To let go is to be kind to our own life
I know it's not easy but I am getting there. I see the light, and what I'll need to do is to keep going. This is what I have always wanted to get out of this circle. It has kept dragging me in and out. I am on the right track now, I dont wanna be lost anymore.
May 7, 2017 ( around 8 PM, place ; my sister's house)
I hate to say that I don't like to have this conversation with them. We cannot just tell what we feel, and sometimes wrong people can just worsen it. But again, this is about me not them. I wanna be the tough one who cannot be affected by what people believe, or feel. I am me. It's all on me whether I wanna be good or bad, but I choose to good this time because I want to get back to my old self but a much better version:)
In life we cannot make people like us, do what we want and then when it does not go as planned we go disappointed, back off, and despise them that's what I should have done to my mum. I have been beaten up by her things, I should have learned this long long time ago. It is my standard but I forgot that it's not my capacity to do all those things. My job is only to get my heart ready to accept, adapt, and move on. Been too long I've hurt my self and probably others too. So this time I choose to let her go. It's her life, and I am her child will always keep an eye on her. She is my compass, how far I will go I would always come back for her. She deserves to be happy, or someday she might find a man because I cannot always be around. I need to grow as well, find a 'home', and take this life to the whole next level. I have wings now!
We are in the well, we keep digging. It's getting deeper and deeper, so we are not able to see the light. All we need to do is to stop digging and climb up.
There are things we should keep them tightly and never give up on embracing them. And things we have to let them go because they are eating our soul.
We are broken, and we don't want to stay broken and dwell in it. We wish to change and live a life that we've been wanting for
May 7, 2017 ( around 8 PM, place ; my sister's house)
I hate to say that I don't like to have this conversation with them. We cannot just tell what we feel, and sometimes wrong people can just worsen it. But again, this is about me not them. I wanna be the tough one who cannot be affected by what people believe, or feel. I am me. It's all on me whether I wanna be good or bad, but I choose to good this time because I want to get back to my old self but a much better version:)
In life we cannot make people like us, do what we want and then when it does not go as planned we go disappointed, back off, and despise them that's what I should have done to my mum. I have been beaten up by her things, I should have learned this long long time ago. It is my standard but I forgot that it's not my capacity to do all those things. My job is only to get my heart ready to accept, adapt, and move on. Been too long I've hurt my self and probably others too. So this time I choose to let her go. It's her life, and I am her child will always keep an eye on her. She is my compass, how far I will go I would always come back for her. She deserves to be happy, or someday she might find a man because I cannot always be around. I need to grow as well, find a 'home', and take this life to the whole next level. I have wings now!
We are in the well, we keep digging. It's getting deeper and deeper, so we are not able to see the light. All we need to do is to stop digging and climb up.
There are things we should keep them tightly and never give up on embracing them. And things we have to let them go because they are eating our soul.
We are broken, and we don't want to stay broken and dwell in it. We wish to change and live a life that we've been wanting for
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